Update on Dad

I know a few of you check in here to find out about my dad, and at least one of you probably gets more than an earful and know everything already, but here it is.

We were planning on moving Dad into the nursing home at the start of December. That didn't happen. I called the nursing home several times throughout November to make sure everything was ready and it seemed like it was. I was told that he shouldn't have any trouble qualifying for Medicaid since he doesn't have any assets. The only thing was a life insurance policy. Oh that damn life insurance policy! The admittance lady told me it wouldn't be a problem and she would help us through the process of transferring the policy to me so it wouldn't be under his name but that we could take care of that after he moved in. Me, being stupid and not knowing anything about any of this, just went with it. Then I was told on November 29th that apparently I made that whole story up and it never really happened. That was not a good day. Turns out that we need to cash out the policy and spend the money on something (that won't be an asset (Brewster's Millions anyone?)) by the end of the month for him to be able to move in the following month. So obviously that wasn't going to happen in 24 hours, so here we are.

It took a few days to get the paper around for all required parties to sign, but I faxed it in today. Now we wait and hope and pray. It takes up to 20 business days to process the request and then another 5 days to send the check. Doing the numbers in your head? Yup, you're right, unless they speed it up it's not going to happen this month either. I'm hoping that the whole 20 day thing is just to give them a wide time frame and that they normally get things done much MUCH sooner than that. Once it's processed they will mail the check to Dad and hopefully he will not cash it and make some <insert foul name here> scam person in Nigeria very happy with his new found wealth. I still need to have that conversation with him to explain that the check is coming. *sigh*

Once we get the money we get to have the oh so much fun experience of going to a freaking funeral home and buying a pre-paid funeral/cremation/burial plan. Yeah, he doesn't know about any of that yet either. OMFSM that stuff really freaks me right the heck out! I tried to call and find out prices on such things but I lost it and made Brother do it. Bless him. Maybe I'll ask him to fly out here and go buy it so I won't have to. So again, all this is supposed to happen by the end of the month otherwise we get to put off this whole party again until February. Oh and don't forget to throw in Christmas somewhere too. And I haven't even mentioned trying to sort through the mess that he lives in. *sigh again*

As for me, I've been feeling completely overwhelmed and honestly angry about this whole situation. I've been reading a book that my super awesome cousin Niki sent me to try to learn more about the process. I haven't found the chapter about going through the motions when you really don't want to, probably because such a chapter doesn't exist. I think the authors assume that all caregivers are selfless and wonderful people who are willing to do anything they can to help their parents. I can't find anything in all my research about people that are really angry about being forced into the position of caregiver. I get angry about the time I miss with my own children. I get angry because of the extra stress it puts on Timothy when I need to be gone for so long. I have passed up promotion opportunities at work and as a rule I don't work overtime unless it's mandatory because I feel my time with my family is already so limited that I'm not willing to lose another hour with them that I don't have to even if it does mean more money. People will tell me how amazing it is that I'm helping my dad and I just sort of nod, but I'm thinking I'm not a good person at all. I hate this! There are no words for how much I hate this right now.

How horrible am I for feeling like that? On the one hand, obviously, it's not Dad's fault that he needs help because he's sick. On the other hand, I don't have all the warm and fuzzy memories like the authors of the book because, unlike them, I feel like I have been taking care of Dad for most of my life and certainly longer than he took care of me. I was about to backtrack and say that maybe this isn't true, but it is completely true. I've had better judgement than him since I was about 11. It really just comes down to that I'm a whiney complainer and I don't feel like any of this should be my responsibility. Or at least someone should share this responsibility with me more than they are at the moment. I don't want to talk to nursing homes and insurance companies and funeral homes and lawyers and doctors and bill collectors, but I have to. Practically every day there is some issue to deal with. I don't want to do any of this horrible business, but we must play the hand we are dealt - even if it sucks more than being a boy named Sue. Hopefully soon he will be moved into the nursing home where he will have lots of help and I won't have to worry so much. My goal is to work out a schedule to visit him regularly so that I can just enjoy his company instead of  always trying to be the super hero that I know I'm not.