Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Just Watching TV

I just watched the season finale of 19 Kids and Counting. I had seen the news stories and I already knew the sad news but it was still heartbreaking. It's like watching a movie after reading the book and you know what is about to happen before the characters do. If you aren't already aware, the Duggar family went to a doctor visit to find out the gender of their 20th child (I KNOW!) and instead discovered that the baby had passed away as there was no longer a heartbeat. Upon hearing the news, before she even had time to take it all in, the mother said, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." This is part of the reason I watch the show because I wish my faith was that strong and I admire that, or at least I think I do. I know that would not have been my reaction. I know because I lived the horror for only an hour or so of believing that I had miscarried when I was pregnant with Owen.

I was put on bed rest at only 5 weeks due to an episode of bleeding. I was home by myself early in the morning after Timothy had taken Collin to daycare and he was on his way to work. I won't give you all the details, but suddenly there was a lot more bleeding and some other stuff and I was positive that I had lost the baby. When I had been to the ER 5 days before I was told that there was a high chance I would miscarry which is why I was on bed rest. What did I do? I made probably the most frantic phone call of my life and God knows how Timothy understood me, but he said he was on his way but couldn't stay on the phone because he had to call work to say he wasn't going in. I don't remember a lot of the next few minutes until he got home except I know I was laying on the floor screaming and crying. There was no quoting Bible verses, but I do remember wondering if our baby was in Heaven.

Timothy somehow got us to the hospital, I don't remember much about that either. I know he had to tell the lady behind the desk why we were there because I couldn't stop crying long enough to talk. I don't know how long we waited, but finally I was taken back for an ultrasound. Timothy wasn't allowed to go. The ultrasound tech asked me why I was crying because she was just asked to check me out and didn't know why I was there. I told her that I had lost the baby. She was sad for me and she said we would just look and see what was going on. After a minute she turned up a dial on the machine and I could hear a static whooshing noise. She said, "Do you hear that? That's your baby's heartbeat!" At that point I did say, "Thank you Jesus!"

So what does it say about me that I can thank God for good news, but I turn in on myself when I receive bad news? I think it says that I'm human. That was honestly one of the most painful hours of my life.And quite the opposite of what was portrayed on the show tonight. I went expecting bad news and went home with great news, while the Duggars went expecting good news and came home with horrible news. I feel so badly for them. I also renewed my anger of all the people that were so outspoken when the pregnancy was announced. I wouldn't choose to have that many children, but you've got to admire their courage and faith which is what their whole life is based on.

Looks like my first blog in a long time was based on a reality tv show. That's kind of embarrassing, but maybe this will open the door a crack to get me back into writing. I felt pretty messed up and out of it for awhile and I didn't want to spread that acid out to all you fine people. But Spring has sprung as they say and I do believe things are looking up.

I swear, I really don't even watch that much tv.

My Ohwie Bear. <3