Saturday, December 1, 2012

Stupid Candy

This afternoon we all went to the Watauga Christmas tree lighting festivities. The boys had been looking forward to it for several weeks since we got our November city newsletter.

The park was decorated like the board game Candy Land. There were volunteers walking around dressed as the characters King Candy, Queen Frostine, Princess Lolly and the evil Lord Licorice. It was nicely done.

There were different grassy areas that had various candy spread on the ground. There was Lollipop Woods with suckers, Peppermint Forrest with candy canes, and something with boxes of gum drops. There was tons of candy so we told the boys they could get one of each kind. While they were picking out what they wanted, one of the volunteers came over and told us it wasn't time to get candy yet because there was a hunt organized for later. So of course we had them put it back. As Timothy said at the time, it would have been nice if they had put a sign out or something.

There was a miniature train ride for the children. We got there just in time to see it fill up and told the boys we would have to wait for it to come back but it wouldn't be long because it was only a 5 to 10 minute ride. The train came back and the boys were off. So much fun!

While they were on the ride the organizers passed out plastic bags and someone blew a whistle and there was a mad scramble for all that candy. The train came back, the boys got off all smiles and I informed them it was finally time to get some candy. But when we got back everything was gone except for the lollipops! All those gumdrops and candy canes, seriously? I told the boys to each pick out one lollipop. Some teenagers had bags full of candy but others were kids whose parents were congratulating them on the huge amounts of candy they had!

Collin and Owen were crushed almost to the point of tears. They really wanted that Candy Land candy. The part that got me was that I know other people noticed because Collin was not quiet about it. "Why does he get a HUGE bag of candy and all I get is ONE SUCKER?" I almost went to ask one lady who was with 3 children if we might could have just one box of gumdrops from their pile, but I changed my mind because I know she saw my upset kids and didn't offer. I told the boys to go grab one more sucker because apparently safety suckers are lame and for babies and no one wants those. It was time to go.

This is not about candy. I could buy them candy. It's about parents not setting a good example for their kids. No one needs 30 boxes of gumdrops or 50 candy canes. And no, I'm not even kidding. I am at a loss as to how any parent would let their child bring home that amount of candy much less congratulate them on a job well done. What was I saying the other day about not judging people?

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Pot Pie

During a high school lunch break in 1995, somehow the topic of conversation turned to what we all had eaten for breakfast. Back then meals were pretty much a fend for yourself type of affair at my house, so my breakfast of choice that day had been a microwave chicken pot pie. It seemed sensible at the time. Timothy thought this was ridiculous and teased me about it. It has been brought up a few times over the years.

If only I had a time machine. I would have blown his little 15 year old mind by telling him in 17 years not only would we be married with two children but he would be eating turkey pot pie for breakfast! As of today, he can no longer make fun of me. :P

I made a yummy turkey pot pie last night with leftover Thanksgiving turkey. It was the first time I made it and I was pretty happy with how it turned out, but I think I have ideas on how to make it better next time. :-)

Friday, November 23, 2012

Too Many Chips!

The lovely Mexican place down the street from work has a great deal for a cheap lunch. I go every couple weeks or so and get chips and salsa and queso for about $3.50. The portions are huge. It may sound like a snack, but trust me.

The problem is they give a huge bags of chips with every order. (I normally get take out) It doesn't matter if I just order salsa, I walk out with a two pound bag of chips that will mostly end up in the trash. I feel guilty about this, but I'm not going to keep eating plain corn chips after the salsa is gone. They give free chips when you dine in, so I suppose they aren't too fussed about it.

So why does it bother me?

Thursday, November 22, 2012

How My Cousins Changed the Way I Think

Timothy's cousin Benny lives in Colorado. Before this year I had met him once, briefly, at a funeral with lots of other Nowells that I was meeting for the first time. Through the magic that is the Internet we ended up Facebook friends. Then someone friend requested the other because we have the same last name and I was Facebook friends with his wife Niki too. Little did I know at the time that sending/confirming those friend requests would actually change some of my outlooks on life. I have had the chance to hang out with them and their awesome kids twice this year. In Texas and Colorado.

I now have 2 more strong prayer warriors that I know I can call on any time. Also, there just aren't enough nerds in the world so I'm happy to have expanded that group as well. Niki has especially become one of my closest friends (it's a girl thing) and I'm so happy to have her in my life.

Benny and Niki have a group called Sevens that works with the homeless in Denver. They work with others to provide a meal for their street friends once a week. If you are able, you may consider a donation to help. You can check out the website here.

Since getting to know my Colorado cousins (mostly online) I have a whole new outlook on homeless people. Before I was just scared of them and would avoid eye contact and probably hold tighter to my purse. Now, when I can, I try to help. I will go back into a store I've just come out of and buy a snack for someone. Honestly, it still makes me a little nervous, but it also makes me feel good to help someone.

Yesterday I stopped for gas while I was out with the boys. Normally they will stay in the car while I pay at the pump and fill up. I noticed two men sitting near the dumpster across the parking lot. One of them was very old and frail looking. After getting gas, I took the boys inside and bought hot dogs and water and a couple other items for them. I explained to the kids that the two men didn't have a place to live. They understood and wanted to help. We took the food out to them and told them happy thanksgiving and God bless. They smiled and the younger one waved to the kids as we left.

I believe that helping people without question or judgement is what God would have us to do. Too bad it's not easier to do because the world would probably be a better place.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Tales From the Nursing Home

I went to visit Daddy this afternoon and found him on the floor next to his bed. He falls a lot trying to get himself out of bed without help. They have moved him to a bed that is lower to the floor and there is a mat spread out next to it to help minimize injuries. He wasn't hurt, but as I'm not able to get him up on my own I had to get help.

After he was safely in his chair I took him for a walk through the halls. He was being really uncooperative today and kept putting his feet down and trying to stand up. He also gets really concerned when there is a change to the pattern on the floor like tile changing to carpet. We had to stop and have a discussion about it every time we crossed a threshold. He kicked off his shoes at one point and that was another stop to put them back on. It turns out I don't have any patience today because this was all incredibly frustrating for me. Looking back, it's a bit like trying to push a baby that does not want to be confined to a stroller.

We finally got back to his room and I got him back into bed. Then he would not stop messing with the pillow. It's a very thick pillow and before he had a thin one that he would fold in half. This one was not going to fold, but I wasn't able to communicate that to him. I just wanted him to talk to me but the pillow was more important to him at the moment.

I told him it was time for me to leave. He said, "Well okay. Did you have fun?"

Sigh. "Yeah, Daddy, I had fun."

"Good. So did I." Then he closed his eyes and went to sleep.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Good News

On October 25th Daddy was moved to another temporary psychiatric hospital because he was acting out aggressively again towards the staff of the nursing home. The administrator was incredibly nice about the whole thing. He said he wanted to get Dad's meds sorted out before it got to be too out of control. They promised me that his room would be waiting for him when he was ready to come back. He was moved to Arlington and stayed for 13 days. When I called to check on him a day before he was set to be transferred back to the nursing home the nurse gave me the incredible news that he had started walking again! : D Apparently the doctors were able to find a good combination for his meds and it has really made a big difference. I went to see him at the nursing home last Wednesday which was his first day back. He recognized me right away! I've been back twice since then and he's known me each time. He doesn't know my name, but he knows I'm his daughter. He's walking a little, which is wonderful, but I'm more happy that he knows me again. When it was time to leave the other day I told him to try hard not to forget me again. He said that he sure would try because I'm his favorite person and he doesn't ever want to forget me again. I'm cautiously optimistic, but as of right now - today - I have my Daddy back a little bit.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Quick Update

Hey y'all. I am good. Timothy is good. Boys are good. Dad isn't so good, but then maybe he is.

The boys are both enjoying school. I have never seen Owen so excited about going to school every day. He really likes his Pre-K class. He is learning a lot and having a blast. He misses his old teacher from the 3 year old class and we normally have to stop and say hi to her every afternoon before we leave. He's been learning a lot about what words start with which letter and matching up the sounds. He knows some sight words too, but it's like pulling teeth to get him to tell me, so I'm not really sure how much he knows. That kid has layers like an onion and it's just hard to tell what is going on in his head.

Collin doesn't talk too much about school, but he seems to like it just fine. We have both had to adjust to his new 1st Grade teacher being not as involved as last year's teacher. I'm not sure if it's just a difference in personalities or just that they expect the kids to be more grown up this year, or maybe both. His kindergarten teacher was wonderful about communicating with me all the time. She would email and call to just let me know funny things Collin did in class that day. This new teacher has been nice, just different. Collin started his gifted and talented classes a few weeks ago. The group of GT students was all put into the same class this year after being identified last year. We are hopeful that this will give Collin more of a challenge than he had last year when he was always stood out so much in his class.

I think Daddy is pretty much done with remembering who I am. It's pretty sad, but it's a comfort to see that mentally he's in a happier place. Most days I would prefer for him to be happy and not remember me than to remember me but to be angry and upset all the time. Most days. There are some days I would like it the other way around, but I know this is what's best for him. He doesn't remember that I'm his daughter, and he doesn't remember my name, but he knows I love him and that he loves me. If that's the last thing that he can hold on to then I'm good with that. He is always happy to see me because he's happy to see anybody. He likes company and he likes talking to people so he isn't picky about who comes to see him.

I am still really enjoying Karate. I like to count my battle wounds and show them off to impress my friends. But mostly I like the feeling that I'm learning and getting better and doing cool stuff that a year ago I would have not thought possible. For example, not passing out during class was a big relief to me. :-)

This concludes my brief update. You may now return to your life, but thanks for visiting mine.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Flash Back to Feburary

There are a lot of things I have wanted to write about on this blog but then for whatever reason it just didn't happen. This one though, I actually uploaded pictures specifically for this post and then they wouldn't post and I got mad which apparently takes me 6 months to get over, so here we are!

Collin's school had a Valentine's Dance called the Party Hearty Dance. I never decided it the name was cute or annoying. They hyped this thing up so much at school that it was all he talked about for weeks. And oh how excited everyone was to find out that younger siblings could come too!

Finally the big night arrived and Collin suddenly decided that he and Owen should go in costume, because... why not?

I present Mario and Luigi!

They had the school divided in half with K through 2nd graders in the cafeteria and 3rd through 5th graders in the gym. Obviously no one was going to just drop off their kindergartener so the place was packed with parents and babies. I discovered that overalls come in very handy when you need to grab and steer a child through a mob.

It was like a Kidz Bop CD exploded in there. Lots of trendy pop songs with the lyrics changed to clean up as needed and all sang by kids. A few times I almost panicked because I knew the words to some of the songs and I knew when there should have been a swear coming, but then it didn't and the kids were none the wiser.

The popcorn was a big hit! Those PTA moms really know how to plan a party menu that is guaranteed to make your kids beg for money to buy snacks. I'm not really complaining. It was all very reasonably priced. We paid $6 to get in and spent probably $5 on snacks. Plus it was all going towards some kind of fundraiser for the school so I don't think you're even allowed to get mad at that.

They had a cute little set up to get pictures taken including props. So of course I had to pay another few bucks for that, but just try to tell me it wasn't worth it.

Of course my boys are the sweetest in the world so whenever I asked if they saw any girls they wanted to 'dance' with they just said they wanted to dance with me. :D So we did that a few times. It was a fun experience and I'm glad we went. I'm also glad they don't have these functions very often. :P

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Daddy's Birthday

Daddy had his 78th birthday on July 28th. Thank you to everyone that sent him cards, he really enjoyed them. We went a few days early to celebrate with him since we would be out of town on his actual birthday. Timothy and the boys and I brought him a chocolate cake which he really enjoyed. He ate 3 pieces!

He was happy to see us and had a good time.

I finally was able to talk to his Nurse Practitioner about his CT Scan results. They determined that he did have a stroke. Although the test isn't able to give an exact time, I believe this happened in May and that was the cause of his decline. While it's possible that the stroke could have been brought on because of all the changes to his meds at that time, we don't know if that is the case and I don't see any point in trying to blame anyone. I'm just happy for whatever I can get with him now.

We also learned that Dad does not actually have Alzheimer's as we thought previously, but instead he has Vascular Dementia. The effect is still the same - memory loss and so forth, but the cause is different. In Dad's case the blood vessels in the brain are slowly shrinking providing less blood and oxygen. While there still isn't anything to be done it's nice to have a little more of an understanding of what is happening. Also, I'm grateful for the staff at this facility because they cared enough to run the test and find out what is going on with him.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Hello Again

I've been really sick all week. It's pretty gross. As a result I haven't been keeping up with stuff like I should. I've also been forgetting stuff a lot lately. There is just only so much that I can fit into my head before some starts falling out.

I talked to Dad's Nurse Practitioner about a week ago and she was concerned when I told her about his rapid decline. She had a few ideas about what may cause this and said she will get him scheduled for a CAT Scan soon to explore the options. He hasn't had any noticeable changes since he moved, and I'm still happy with the staff and care he's receiving.

In other news, I still haven't finished Dawson's Creek, but I'm almost there. These last two seasons are incredibly painful and I can completely understand why I stopped watching the show. I've spent the last week reading Ender's Game, which is probably only the second or third book I've read this year as embarrassing as that is. (Not counting audio books, those are much faster and require less concentration) I've had a problem for awhile now sitting still and doing just one thing, which makes reading a real book difficult. This book is came as a request to join my friend Karin in a book club. The plan is to get a group of us together and discuss the book and release it as a podcast.

In mental health news, my doctor convinced me that I really should be on some type of anti-depressant. Apparently crying at work several times a week is not ideal and I should not put myself through that. Neither is having disturbing nightmares that give you panic attacks. Huh. Who knew? So this mental patient has started taking Prozac. Why do they have to give me all the drugs that I've heard bad things about? I guess they wouldn't be popular if a lot of people hadn't used them with some success. So far the first day was the only time I had bad sad effects. It seems to be okay as long as I take it with food. I've even gone up to the real dose already and it was a smooth transition. I suppose only time will tell how this will work, but we are off to a much better start than the last one.

Couple cute kid stories to close you out.

Owen told Timothy, "You need to stop eating so many vegetables because you're taking up too much room!"

Collin was with me when I was shopping and bought deodorant for Timothy. For some reason he wanted to see what it smelled like, so he opened it up and sniffed and said, "Aargh! It smells like arm pit!"

Love those silly boys!  

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The Long Version Part 3

The trip to the hospital was on June 4. I forgot to mention that this was the day before I was scheduled to go back to work so I had a required doctor's appointment that day because I had to be cleared to go back. My plan had been to go visit Dad for a bit then stop to get some lunch before go to the doctor. Luckily I left early. I ended up having to race home to get my Dad stuff (notebook with info and recent notes, Medicare/Medicaid cards, ID card and my Medical Power of Attorney form) and try to beat the ambulance to the hospital. I only had an hour before I had to leave to make it to my appointment and I didn't want to leave Dad. Thankfully my awesome cousins were able to come sit with Dad for a little while. I'll just let you imagine how my appointment went when my doctor asks me if I feel I'm ready to return to work. Also, during the previous 24 hours I had been the sickest to date (So sorry, Sa,) and I was really not well. I told the doctor I may as well go on back because I couldn't imagine when all this would become more manageable.

Going back to work sucked lemons. Not only did I have to seriously have to cut back on watching Dawson's Creek on Netflix, but I also had to talk to people. Gross! It was weird trying to figure out how to respond when people asked how I was doing. I ended up going with, "Well, I'm here." I figured most of them were probably happier not knowing how I was really doing. I spent a good chunk of my first couple of weeks back just crying at my desk and hoping no one would notice. One of my sweet friends who sits close to me would check on me frequently and prayed over me when it looked like I needed it. There are some people that you just know God puts in your life for a reason and she is one of those for me.

I had been trying for a couple of weeks to get the nursing home to set up an appointment for me to meet with Dad's doctor. Funny enough this is the same doctor he had at the first nursing home, but this is NOT a good thing. This doctor had refused to fill out paperwork for me to apply for FMLA to have time off work when I needed to do something for Dad. He had also flat-out refused to speak with me over the phone. I mean he was in the same room when I was talking to the secretary and just would not take the phone. Ass. So it was really no surprise that he didn't want to set up an appointment with me now. The nursing home compromised by setting up a care plan meeting where I get to talk to his nurses and physical therapist and social worker and the nutritionist. Pretty much everyone but the doctor. They also decided to move Dad out of the locked unit because some genius figured out that if he can't walk anymore his odds of escaping have been drastically reduced. So they made another mess of his belongings and piled stuff all over the place. Seriously, is it too much to ask to hang the pictures back up on the wall so he can have something familiar to look at? Apparently.

At the care plan meeting the nurse was flipping through his daily charts and trying to tell me how well he was doing. She casually mentioned that on June 6 it was noted that they suspected he had a urinary infection and the doctor had ordered lab tests to confirm. I was making a list of all the meds he was on so I asked which antibiotic he was put on and she checked and said there wasn't one. So she went to check the lab tests to see if maybe they were negative, but they weren't even there. They never did the test. Mind you, this meeting was on June 13, a week later. What the hell? I marched back into the Director's office and yelled a bit. He took me to the Director of Nurses and I yelled some more. (I may have mentioned that I would like to see how they would feel after having an untreated urinary infection for over a week.) The DON tried to wiggle out of it by saying that he most likely doesn't have an infection because he isn't running a fever. No, the doctor ordered the test so it doesn't matter if he has the infection or not you are required to follow the order. Try again. Next she said that they would have caught the infection when they did his blood work up. No, that was done on May 28 and this possible infection was documented on June 6. Try again. Well the hospital would have found the infection when they examined him. No, that was June 4, this was documented on June 6. Care for another try? Finally I just got "This was an error and our part and we are sorry." I told them to put him on antibiotics ASAP and that I would call back to check on the lab results the next day. It came back positive for the infection, and before you ask, yes, I have reported this incident to the state and they are investigating it.

When I went back to visit at the weekend, I found Dad with the nastiest case of pink-eye you can imagine. I asked the nurses what they were doing to treat his eye and the response I got was "What's wrong with his eye?" Seriously. I also found his denture case buried in the back of a drawer from where someone had shoved it 5 days before when they moved his room. He had not had his dentures out to be cleaned at all since! Remember that personal number the Director had given me? You can bet I used it that day. I also wrote a sign and hung it on the wall instructing the staff to remove and clean his teeth every night.

I had discussed the list of Dad's meds with some nursing family and friends. The consensus was that one particular medication was probably causing problems so I requested to stop that one. It's a 10 day process to come off of that med so we wouldn't be able to tell right away. Dad was getting so much worse. He didn't remember my brother who he had seen only a few weeks before. He didn't remember being married to my mom for 40 years. He didn't remember my boys. It was pretty much just me. He always remembered me and was happy to see me.  

The following week I started calling around again. I needed to get him out of this place. I tried to explain to some of the places that had turned us down before how his condition had declined so rapidly. They seemed to feel sorry for me, but they still said they couldn't take him because his past behaviors made him too much of a risk. Even though he can no longer get out of bed or even go to the bathroom on his own. Again, seriously. I finally called this special Alzheimer's care facility that is 45 minutes away. A co-worker highly recommended it after her mother stayed there. I figured that even if I didn't get to see him as often, and even if that meant he would forget me sooner, it was the best option if he was well taken care of. They sent someone over to evaluate Dad. (This is happening at the same time as that whole deposition thing. whee.) This is when the nursing home learns that I'm trying to find another place for him. Believe me, I have expressed my unhappiness with his care several times by now. After waiting the obligatory 3 days, which of course fell over a weekend making it longer, Monday I heard back and they said sorry but no. For all the same reasons and the other places. If an Alzheimer's specialty facility can't deal with old people acting out, especially when said person is now helpless, then what hope is there for the world?  

Tuesday, I get a call from the nursing home saying they are worried about Dad's weight loss. I had noticed he was thinner. He is a big guy, 6'1" before he started stooping with age. Since moving in about 5 weeks ago he has lost over 20 pounds. Down from 182 to 159! They are also switching him to a purred diet because he seems to have problems swallowing. They are starting him on a new drug to increase his appetite. Lovely. How have we fallen this far so quickly? The nurses say that they think it's just his dementia getting worse, but these people didn't know him 5 weeks ago. He was a completely different person after the psych hospital. I still haven't been able to get an appointment to speak with the doctor who won't return my calls. Queue the daily panic attacks.

Wednesday, the Director called and said if I was still interested in a transfer for Dad he had spoken with another facility owned by the same company and they would be willing to take him. This new place is much closer for me and also a LOT nicer. Don't get my hopes up, Dude. I told him that they had turned us down in May when we called and he said he had made an arrangement for me and the spot was ours if I just said yes. I still don't trust this guy so I told him I would look into it and I called the new place myself. They said it was really true and they could move him tomorrow if I wanted. I asked if they used the same doctor, they don't. In fact they have 3 different doctors that cover the facility and Dad would be under the care of one that specializes in Dementia. This doctor and/or his nurse practitioner come by 2 to 3 times a week. Wow! You totally had me at he will have a new doctor!

It does not pass my notice that this arrangement was probably made to keep the Director out of hot water. He most likely heard of my complaint to the state and didn't want Dad to get any worse on his watch. I don't care what the reason, I'm just glad it happened. 

Thursday, my kind bosses let me take time off to spend hours filling out paperwork for admissions. Then I had to go pack up his stuff and rush to my dentist appointment then back to the new place to unpack. I swear I should just not even try to make appointments for myself because they just get in the way.

Friday, I went to visit after work and for the first time my Daddy didn't recognize me. He thought I was a nurse. I know he was confused because of the move and everything was new and different. There had been times before when he couldn't remember my name, but he always knew I was his daughter. Never one of the nurses. I don't think he noticed me crying as I helped him with his dinner. After a while I told him I was his daughter, he accepted that even though it was a new concept for him at that moment. I asked him if he remembered how much I loved him and he spread his arms wide open. At least I'm in there somewhere.

Sunday was much better. He knew me right away and he knew my name and even asked about the boys and remembered their names too. He said he liked his new place except for one thing, there were some bad people. What bad people? They were called Democrats, and they were trying to push out the good people that are called Republicans. (I'm honestly not trying to be political, but this cracked me up! It would have had the same effect if the goodies and the baddies were reversed, I don't care.) I will take a bat-shit crazy Daddy that knows who I am over a nice sweet old man that thinks I'm a stranger any day! The bat-shit part doesn't bother me at all actually. I have kids, I know how to play pretend.

I saw him again today and he was still doing well. He told me to say hi to my husband and the boys. He also told me that there was a train wreck and he was sad because he thinks someone may have died. I'm not sure, but I think he thinks the wheelchairs are little trains. He also pointed out the North and South sides of the building to me and he was really pointing the correct directions. There are plenty of adults that don't know their directions (I would be one if I wasn't married to a land surveyor) but for a recently displaced Alzheimer's patient to get them correct was impressive to me.

He seems happy and stable for now. The staff seems caring and attentive, so I'm happy so far. I'm supposed to talk to his doctor on Friday to discuss his treatment and I guess we will go from there.

Now is the part where I send you a cyber cookie if you've actually read this whole story. I hope to keep this blog very much more updated from now on so that I can just direct people here and I can stop telling the story so many times. Good luck to me!

Monday, July 2, 2012

The Long Version Part 2

By Monday I had decided that I really needed some help. I spent a good part of my work day researching company policy on leave of absence and short term disability coverage. I also informed my brother that I needed him to come help me. I was a mess. I discovered that to qualify for mental health disability I needed to be under the care of a Psychiatrist instead of just my normal doctor. I called around until I found one that could see me the next day and I requested a few days off work.

Going to shrink for the first time is a strange thing, or at least it was for me. I felt like people might be watching me or judging me in the waiting room. (I would never think less of someone that was seeing a mental health doctor, this is purely my own self-consciousness attacking myself. In fact, my doctor would probably know the clinical term for that.) There I was wondering if I should even be there. Was he going to just laugh me out of the office? And how do I even start to explain everything that has been going on? I filled out a little paperwork and then when it was my turn and the nice doctor asked me what was going on I burst out bawling in his office. Even though I believe this helped my case, it was not intentional. I told him about Dad and that I thought I needed some time off work. When he asked how long I said 2 to 3 weeks and he went with 3. Then I was handed another, much larger, stack of paperwork to fill out and sent back to the waiting room. After I left the office I sat in my car for about 30 minutes calling in to set up my leave of absence. They really make it difficult to take time off for mental health. It probably would have been easier to break my leg or something. Then I left and had to go over to the lab and get blood drawn. I suppose they want to know if there is a biological reason a person is crazy or if it really is all in their head. My tests all came back normal. That would make me a, uh, normal crazy person?

My official diagnosis was high anxiety and stress. I think the doctor over-compensated by placing me on an anti-depressant, sleeping pills, and Xanax for anxiety. I never took the sleeping pills because I'm scared that I won't wake up if I take those, but I started the other two. I broke both of them in half because I was also scared of the Xanax as I'm sure we have all heard the bad addiction stories about those. The anti-depressant ended up just making me sick as hell for the entire three and a half weeks I was taking it. I tried it at different times of day and different doses, but it didn't help. I was sick to my stomach and knocked out exhausted for most of those 3 weeks I was off work. I'm telling you, I know how to party! The Xanax seemed to be helpful though. I mentioned to the therapist (that I was also required to see to be off work) that I was still not able to sleep through the night because I would wake up with horrible chest pains and not able to breathe. I learned that I was having panic attacks in my sleep as well as the ones I already knew about when I was awake. As of now, I'm still not able to sleep through the night without a Xanax before bed. But even that doesn't help me to not be scared of sleeping. I stay awake until I literally can't anymore almost every night. I have horrible dreams that I won't even tell you about because they are so disturbing. Except for that one I had a few weeks ago when I was hanging out with LeVar Burton, he was lovely. :-)

Meanwhile, Brother came out to help me which I am really grateful for. We went to see Dad at the hospital a couple times. He didn't recognize Brother at first, which was really sad to see. He was still really out of it. After a bit he understood that his son was there and he was really happy to see him. Dad was still too messed up from the drug reactions to seem to care where he was, but he was happy too see us each day when we went to visit. After about 6 days the hospital was ready to release Dad, but we still had not been able to find a facility that would accept him due to his behavior issues from the first nursing home. The hospital tried to tell me that I was required to come pick him up and keep him in my care because I was the one that dropped him off there. A quick call to Adult Protective Services fixed them up on that option. APS informed them that they are required to find a suitable facility for him. Between myself, Brother and the social worker at the hospital I estimate that we called at least 30 nursing homes that all turned him down. Some because they were full, but mostly due to his records. There was a commitment hearing set up for the following Monday that would require Dad to go to court and if a suitable home had not been found he would be left in state custody and most likely be sent to a state hospital several hours away from me. Finally we found a place that would take him and he was moved on Friday evening.

We were very grateful that he would still be close by, but man oh man, this place was ghetto! It is an older facility that had not been well cared for, it was not clean and the people, with few exceptions, were horrible. Brother helped me get all his stuff moved in and set up for him, but sadly for me, he had to fly away back home to his own life. I tried really hard to be open-minded about the place and the staff. The director seemed nice at least. He gave me his cell number and told me to call anytime. I was worried after a week when I would call and ask about my Dad and the employees would respond with "Who is that?" Not long after he got there, I went to visit him one morning. I received a phone call that evening saying that they found Dad in the parking lot (This place allows residents outside whenever they want.) and he was trying to go in the street. He told the nurses that he was looking for me. Apparently he thought I was still there from earlier. They documented this as an escape attempt and moved him to the secured locked wing of the facility. This is where the really special people go, and I feel so sad for them. People are screaming all the time, I saw a guy peeing in the sink because he didn't want to go to the bathroom, and others just asked me for money every time they saw me. Dad told me he really didn't like it there and wanted me to take him home. Yeah, that sucked. When they moved Dad to the locked unit someone had the bright idea to put all his clothes into a large trash bag and leave it on the floor of his room. I complained for 4 days before I finally just put them away myself. The second time I called, the director of nursing actually told me that she had a busy job and just forgot that I had called before. But, it's okay because they were really sorry about it afterwards.

Shortly after he was moved he started to get more depressed and just wanted to sleep all the time. The day before I had to go back to work I went to visit and Dad told me that he hurt all over and couldn't get out of bed and thought he should go to the hospital. I informed the nurses who then in turn informed me that he had not been out of bed at all for 3 days! I asked if he could get some pain meds, but they thought it was a better idea just to send him to the ER. He was checked at the ER for blood clots in his legs and they discovered that he did have some arthritis in his knees, so they gave him pain meds and he was suddenly fine. Maybe I should be a doctor! After this episode, he has not been able to walk again on his own.

Please stay tuned for part 3 and hopefully the conclusion of the getting caught up stuff.

I would like to thank everyone for the kind comments you have left me. I really appreciate all the support I've received from you all. I feel bad that every time I post something I just get a flood of sympathy messages. I feel bad that I make you all feel bad. I wish I had more good news to share.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

The Long Version Part 1

Let's get everyone caught up, shall we? Dad moved into the nursing home on January 6th this year. The social worker there was pretty much a bitch from the start. She tried to come up with all kinds of excuses why he shouldn't be there. For example, they had him wear a plastic bracelet that would set off an alarm if he walked out the door, but they also had little outings to Wal-Mart where the residents were able to purchase anything they wanted. When my dad bought himself a pair of scissors to help him open his mail they accused him of intending to cut off his bracelet so that he could make a run for it. There were some really great nurses there, especially one named Linda, that I will always be grateful for because they really cared about him and did their best to take care of him and make his transition easier. Unfortunately, he did struggle with losing his independence. He had a lot of anger about not being able to do all the things he wanted to do. He constantly asked me to find him an apartment and I explained over and over why he shouldn't live on his own. Then he met a female resident who also has dementia and they got very attached to each other and then I had to start explaining over and over again why they were not able to get married. It seemed for weeks and weeks every time I saw him the first things he would say to me were, "Did you find me an apartment yet?" and "We need you to drive us to the court house to get married." It was exhausting and depressing. He was very demanding and called at all hours asking me to bring things to him, but it was nice because he was only two miles from me and close enough that I was able to go visit during my lunch break several times a week.

I knew that the nursing home wanted him to leave because they continued to manufacture offenses that they claimed he had committed and unfortunately for us all they also documented these offenses. I really don't know how much is true, but I was told that he made inappropriate comments and gestures towards employees and residents, that he was aggressive and combative, and that he had plotted and attempted to escape. In light of all this, I was looking for a new home for him, but to the bafflement of the nursing home, because of everything they had documented against my Dad no other homes would take him. First, I had no idea that a person could be turned down from a nursing home. Second, that is what old people do: they get crazy and act inappropriately. Third, what ever happened to taking care of people? Isn't that what they are there for? 

After a couple of months and being turned down by at least 3 homes, I got THE PHONE CALL.  It was on May 10th and the social worker calls me at work to tell me that they have been granted a mental health warrant and that the Sheriff is on his way to pick up my father and take him to a psychiatric hospital on the grounds that he is simply out of control and they are not able to deal with him anymore. Have I mentioned that this woman is Delores Umbridge? Every word that comes from her mouth is sticky sweet like she's your best friend, but she's actually the most evil Death Eater that has ever lived. So she tells me she just wonders if I would like to come pack some things for him or if I'd rather, she'd be happy to arrange that for me. Excuse me?! I have questions! What the hell is a mental health warrant? Why is a law enforcement officer involved? What are they going to do for him at a psychiatric hospital? Which hospital are they taking him to? Yeah, she can't answer ANY of these because she's a moron that doesn't know how to do her job! They only question she can answer is when are they coming to get him? That would be between 2:00 and 4:00. Oh. Okay. I see. That's why you waited until 3:55 to call me, right? Bitch.

I decided that there was no way anyone was going to put my Daddy into the back of a police car when he was guilty of nothing more than being old and slightly crazy. So I rushed over from work. I think there were a few panicked phone calls to my brother mixed in there somewhere. It's a bit blurry. I ran into the nursing home and went to his room and grabbed some clothes and personal items, then I went and found him in the dining room. I grabbed his hand and told him we were leaving and that he needed to walk with me right now and fast! We walked past the social worker and other administrative staff, one of whom even tried to run after us. I put him in the car and drove off. That's about the point when the adrenaline gave way to panic. Was I going to get arrested? Did we need to go into hiding? Does this count as harboring a fugitive?  I went to our house and sat Dad on the couch with a magazine and started making phone calls. In the next 30 minutes I made about 20 calls trying to figure out what to do. On the advice of my awesome cousin, I called the police department to inform them of what happened and where we were. Turns out, they didn't care. Dude I talked to didn't know what a mental health warrant was either. (I still don't understand so google if you're interested.) Dad got to spend some time outside in the backyard watching the boys play while I was calling everyone under the sun. (Magazines get boring.) They all enjoyed that time together and now I'm grateful for those few minutes. At the time I was just happy to have them all distracted so I could talk to people.

I called the hospital that Dad was supposed to be transferred to and got a bit more information. They were planning to evaluate his medications and make adjustments to improve his behavior issues. They seemed like good people and a nice facility so in the end I decided to take him over there myself. I didn't know it at the time, but that day may have been the last day of clarity I got to have with my Daddy. He noticed I was crying as we drove over and when he asked why, I explained that I was scared that I might get into trouble for taking him out of the nursing home and that he had to stay in this hospital for a few days but then I didn't know where he would go from there. He said that he was really sorry for all the trouble I have had to go through for him and he wished he wasn't such a bother and could do more for himself. I got him a sandwich from Schlotzsky's on the way over because he had missed his dinner. He told me that was the best sandwich he had ever had and he thought it was so nice that I bought it for him. We spent about 2 hours doing admissions paperwork and then I had to leave him. It was late when I got home and I was wiped out. I still hadn't eaten anything.

My amazing husband had once again been called upon to take care of dinner and baths and bedtime for the boys on his own (no easy task) and would have been well-within his rights to be grumpy about the situation. Instead, he tells me that he needs my help in the kitchen as soon as I walk in the door. I go in to see him standing with ice cream scoop in hand and a sheepish look on his face. He then informs me that he has accidentally ripped the bottom of the half-full half gallon container and we are now obligated to eat the rest because we can't store it as it will leak out of the bottom. Ice cream for dinner after a day like that? There is no other option.

I wasn't able to go see Dad the next night after work because there was a big storm predicted and this place has a very strict one hour window for visiting. The next day, I missed Timothy's grandmother's 90th birthday to make that one hour visit. Dad seemed so confused and out of it when I saw him. He was not himself at all. The nurses told me it was a reaction to the medications. Apparently the nursing home had Dad on 9 different medications trying to control his behaviors and the hospital was bringing him off of those and trying to get him down to just one. That would screw anyone up.

To be continued...

Sunday, June 24, 2012

What Had Happened Was.....

You may have noticed that I've gone into cyber-hiding over the last few months. Now it's time to tell you why. It all started back around October when I was going over to help Dad at his house I found a letter from a lawyer that was attempting to contact him regarding a car accident he was involved in back in 2010. I thought I would be nice so I called the lawyer to explain that Dad was sick and really not able to deal with this issue. The lawyer was very nice and told me he was representing Dad's insurance company. I gave him my contact info and told him to let me know if I could help at all.

A few weeks later a get a call at work from another lawyer representing the other people involved in the accident and he was not so kind. It was not a pleasant phone call for me at all. Dad's lawyer was obligated by law to provide my info to him. A few weeks after that we had a late evening visitor at the door who ever so politely informed me that I had now been served with papers showing I was being sued on the basis that I should have known before the time of the accident that my Dad was not competent to drive and I should have somehow stopped him from driving. Even though this is the biggest bullshit lawsuit ever and an obvious attempt to get money without having a leg to stand on, I can tell you it's still very scary to see on paper that I am being sued.

Of course this happened on a Friday night when I couldn't do anything about it, so I spent a very panic-filled weekend worrying about it. But Facebook can be an awesome thing because Timothy is friends with someone we went to high school with who grew up to be a lawyer, and he was able to recommend a friend in our area that could help and he turned out to be awesome!

As these things go, it has been drawn out for several months, but our lawyer was able to get the other guy to drop the suit against me if I agreed to go to a deposition, which they could force me to do anyway without dropping the case. I was really anxious about this because I had already talked to him on the phone and I knew how he could be. We rocked it on Friday and I feel like I held my own and didn't let him push me around. Luckily no one objected to Timothy sitting by me while I answered questions and he did a great job of not saying anything. Now the case against me is over. It's still possible that I may be called in as a witness if the insurance company doesn't agree to a settlement and this ends up in a court trial, but I officially have no dog in this fight.

I am so happy that this is behind me. I was hiding because I didn't want that other lawyer snooping on me. Now I can go back to shouting my useless words for all the internet to hear. I would like to say that I am extremely grateful for those of you that have sent your support to me in so many different ways. I can't thank you enough and it has really meant the world to me. I would not have survived these past few months without my friends. I will post again soon to give an update on Dad.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Just Watching TV

I just watched the season finale of 19 Kids and Counting. I had seen the news stories and I already knew the sad news but it was still heartbreaking. It's like watching a movie after reading the book and you know what is about to happen before the characters do. If you aren't already aware, the Duggar family went to a doctor visit to find out the gender of their 20th child (I KNOW!) and instead discovered that the baby had passed away as there was no longer a heartbeat. Upon hearing the news, before she even had time to take it all in, the mother said, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." This is part of the reason I watch the show because I wish my faith was that strong and I admire that, or at least I think I do. I know that would not have been my reaction. I know because I lived the horror for only an hour or so of believing that I had miscarried when I was pregnant with Owen.

I was put on bed rest at only 5 weeks due to an episode of bleeding. I was home by myself early in the morning after Timothy had taken Collin to daycare and he was on his way to work. I won't give you all the details, but suddenly there was a lot more bleeding and some other stuff and I was positive that I had lost the baby. When I had been to the ER 5 days before I was told that there was a high chance I would miscarry which is why I was on bed rest. What did I do? I made probably the most frantic phone call of my life and God knows how Timothy understood me, but he said he was on his way but couldn't stay on the phone because he had to call work to say he wasn't going in. I don't remember a lot of the next few minutes until he got home except I know I was laying on the floor screaming and crying. There was no quoting Bible verses, but I do remember wondering if our baby was in Heaven.

Timothy somehow got us to the hospital, I don't remember much about that either. I know he had to tell the lady behind the desk why we were there because I couldn't stop crying long enough to talk. I don't know how long we waited, but finally I was taken back for an ultrasound. Timothy wasn't allowed to go. The ultrasound tech asked me why I was crying because she was just asked to check me out and didn't know why I was there. I told her that I had lost the baby. She was sad for me and she said we would just look and see what was going on. After a minute she turned up a dial on the machine and I could hear a static whooshing noise. She said, "Do you hear that? That's your baby's heartbeat!" At that point I did say, "Thank you Jesus!"

So what does it say about me that I can thank God for good news, but I turn in on myself when I receive bad news? I think it says that I'm human. That was honestly one of the most painful hours of my life.And quite the opposite of what was portrayed on the show tonight. I went expecting bad news and went home with great news, while the Duggars went expecting good news and came home with horrible news. I feel so badly for them. I also renewed my anger of all the people that were so outspoken when the pregnancy was announced. I wouldn't choose to have that many children, but you've got to admire their courage and faith which is what their whole life is based on.

Looks like my first blog in a long time was based on a reality tv show. That's kind of embarrassing, but maybe this will open the door a crack to get me back into writing. I felt pretty messed up and out of it for awhile and I didn't want to spread that acid out to all you fine people. But Spring has sprung as they say and I do believe things are looking up.

I swear, I really don't even watch that much tv.

My Ohwie Bear. <3

Monday, February 13, 2012

Catch Up

I know, I know, it's been a long time. There's been a lot going on around here and quite honestly I haven't been able to think of a way to put a positive spin on it and I didn't want to be Debbie Downer. (I just made that name up. If there is really someone named Debbie Downer reading, I'm sure you're very nice.) Of course there has been good stuff too, but I've been having a hard time lately. Maybe if I spill it all out on the Internets it will help.

I moved Dad into the nursing home on Jan 6th. He was mostly okay with the move. Of course he hadn't packed a thing, so we did that and loaded up my car. When we first got there they checked his vitals and found that his blood pressure was high. He was not happy at all that they didn't allow him to keep all his herbal medication in his room to take whenever he wanted. They also gave him a bracelet that will set off an alarm if he walks out the front door. This is standard issue for all dementia patients. We filled out tons of paperwork. Actually there is still more paperwork that needs to be done. I don't think it ever ends.

He was alright for the first week or so. He really likes the food, so that helps. This is the first time in years that he has eaten so well on a regular basis. But then the complaints started. He wants to leave and get an apartment. He wants to take his herbs and medication from his "doctor" who is some schmuck in California that sells drugs over the internet. He discovered that not everyone has to wear the alarm bracelets and now he doesn't want his anymore. He wants to walk outside by himself. There have been a lot of compromises. I think he is learning to live within the boundaries that have been assigned to him, but he's not too happy about it.

Because he is so close to me now I have been able to go visit him several times a week and make sure that he sees the kids on most weekends. He is close enough for me to visit on my lunch breaks, which has worked out nicely except for the fact that I have about a 50/50 chance of feeling like poop when I leave if he's having a grumpy day. It's really a crap shoot. Sometimes he's really happy to see me and other times he has a list of complaints ready for me.

I've found that nursing homes are a lot like day cares. I think I have gotten pretty god over the last 6 years at spotting problems with day cares so I feel confident when I say that I believe that this is a good place and they want the best for my dad. The nurses there are about 85% awesome and 15% meh, which is way better than I had hoped for.

There's more to the story, but that's the main bits. I'm seriously tired of repeating myself to every individual person, but some of it is too much or too personal to put up on a public blog so I can't just tell folks to come read about it. I appreciate all of my supportive friends that have helped me through this transition. And a shout out to my awesome hubby that has had to put up with so much lately and has been really wonderful about it.

It's another of those life lessons, and not the first time I've had to learn this one either. I think everyone has that one thing in their life that they feel like if they could fix it then everything would be alright. Guess what? It doesn't work like that. You will find another problem to replace the one you just got rid of. While is super keen that I don't have to worry about Dad's basic needs being met anymore and I really do appreciate that, now I get to worry about things like him refusing to take his meds and being upset with me for making him move or my own guilt for causing him all this unhappiness. I would still say I came out on top  in that deal, but some days just plain suck. On those sucky days when I'm leaving and crying my way back to work I put on this song very loudly and it helps me feel better. This is the clean version, which is not what I listen to in the car, but I thought I'd keep it PG up in here. Also, it's you're feeling brave, go look for the official music video on youtube. It's gritty and real and worth a watch.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Greetings From 2012

Happy New Year Everyone! I'm a few days late, but it's pretty close. I'm hopping on a bandwagon like a bunny walking over hot coals and I'm going to tell you all about it. Wheeeee! I'm reading a super awesome book called The Nerdist Way: How to Reach the Next Level (In Real Life) by Chris Hardwick. It's a self-help book for nerds plus the author is a stand up comic so it's freaking hilarious! I happened to be reading a chapter on 12/30 about selecting a word or theme for each new year. It is intended to be your go-to word when you get stuck making a decision or need motivation etc. Being the person I am, I decided I needed to think of a word during the next 24 hours so I would be ready to go for 2012. Planning ahead is really important to me and I really overdo it. (I'm the mom that packs about 3 days worth of snacks for a morning trip to the zoo because you never know if you will spill something or get caught in a zombie apocalypse.) I'm sure the world would not have ended if I had taken a week to decide. I even googled the topic and found that this has been a thing for a while and no one told me! Apparently people are picking words all over the place to define the upcoming year so I'm late to the party but it still seemed like a neato idea.

The word I chose is IMPROVE.

 I figure that this is broad enough to apply to most parts of my life, but subtle enough to not imply that I'm seeking perfection. More like practice. If I can improve a little bit at a time then by the end of 2012 I should be a better person for making the effort. I hope to apply this to lots of areas, but here are a few: patience, diet, exercise, punctuality, housekeeping, work habits, sleep schedule. Not to say any one of these is horrible at the moment, but all could stand some improvement. I hope to be able to fall back and remember my commitment to improve whenever I start to get lazy or fall back into bad habits.

Have any of you ever picked a word or theme for a year? And if so, how did it work out?